Do Friendships Endure Without Regular Contact?

When a 21-year-old son casually asked if his father still had friends, the question lingered. It prompted a personal reckoning about old ties and new distance.

Loneliness as a public health concern

Recent surveys point to a shrinking circle for many men. A 2021 study found 15 percent of men reported having no close friends, up from 3 percent in 1990.

Fewer than half said they were satisfied with the number of friends they had. Only one in five men had received emotional support from a friend in the prior week.

The U.S. surgeon general has warned of an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. Researchers link poor social ties to large health risks.

• 50 percent higher risk of developing dementia.
• 29 percent increased chance of heart disease.
• 32 percent greater likelihood of stroke.

Why presence matters

Longstanding research highlights consistent contact as a keystone of close friendship. The University of Kansas estimates that building a good friendship requires over 200 hours.

Conversely, friendships can erode quickly without regular attention. A Harvard study identified stable community ties as the strongest predictor of longer, healthier lives.

Social isolation compared to other risks

Scientists say isolation can be more harmful than obesity or air pollution. It also outweighs the risks of heavy drinking and high cigarette consumption.

A personal inventory of friendships

The narrator lists longtime companions by name. Eddie was the oldest friend; Seve, a mentor figure met in Greenwich Village; Matthew a show-business confidant; John and Don more recent allies.

Success in the film world and struggles with alcohol changed social patterns. Old circles dispersed as careers and family took priority.

Attempts to reconnect

Phone calls and travel plans met frequent delays and cancellations. Eddie in Texas was tied up renovating buildings.

Matthew in Kentucky postponed visits twice for work and family reasons. John climbed in the Himalayas, and Don was in Japan for an extended stay.

Revisiting shared history

Seve and the narrator had a long record of impulsive trips. They once flew to Puerto Rico on a whim and ended up in St. Thomas after an ill-fated stop in Vieques.

The odd misadventures—bedbugs, rain, strange hotel rooms—became the foundation of durable laughter and bond.

Health and hesitation

Years later Seve developed spinal stenosis and underwent major surgery. Recovery was slow and complicated.

When plans to visit were repeatedly postponed, the narrator felt the distance keenly. He feared the relationship had weakened at a time of need.

Choosing to act

Faced with mounting regret, the narrator decided to visit. He drove to Baltimore and knocked on Seve’s door.

The choice to show up reflected a belief in the work required to revive friendship. It answered the practical question many now ask: “Do Friendships Endure Without Regular Contact?”

This piece is adapted from Andrew McCarthy’s book Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America. Published on Filmogaz.com.